If I had to name 2012 it would be called "The Year The Elephant Shit Hit The Industrial Fan Over And Over Again". The funny thing about elephant shit splattering all over your world is that it washes off. And it's sort of funny really when you realise that everyone else around you has just as much shit on themselves as you do.
We duck and weave and try so hard to avoid the burst of flying faecel matter, but in keeping our eyes on the fan we lose sight of the floor and before we know it we are flat on our backs with no choice but to get up and keep on laughing.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Frenchism
My French housemate/au pair and I were discussing the contraceptive implant she has in her arm. She was saying that she was getting a new one next year. I don't like the idea of it and I'm trying to talk her out of it. She said "You don't understand. What if I have sex and the condom brokes?" And I said it won't matter, because that's not actually a word.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tech advice
In my experience I have found that computers, appliances and other gadgets work best when spoken to. Rudely.
This also applies to any other object or device that isn't doing what it was designed to do.
The expression "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" takes on a slightly different form in my head. It goes something like this: "If at first you don't succeed, swear."
Any swear word will do, but generally the more crass the word, the quicker the result. A string of profanities is even more effective, especially if they create a sentence that makes no sense at all.
Another approach is to threaten the faulty device with replacing it with a new, better version of itself. Pretend you're googling its replacement in front of it. You can go as far as grabbing your keys and wallet and leaving the room as if you're heading to the shops.
If the above methods fail, slap it.
If that fails, try all three methods simultaneously.
This also applies to any other object or device that isn't doing what it was designed to do.
The expression "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" takes on a slightly different form in my head. It goes something like this: "If at first you don't succeed, swear."
Any swear word will do, but generally the more crass the word, the quicker the result. A string of profanities is even more effective, especially if they create a sentence that makes no sense at all.
Another approach is to threaten the faulty device with replacing it with a new, better version of itself. Pretend you're googling its replacement in front of it. You can go as far as grabbing your keys and wallet and leaving the room as if you're heading to the shops.
If the above methods fail, slap it.
If that fails, try all three methods simultaneously.
It's not right, and it's not ok
Turkish delight should be banned from the Cadbury Favourites collection. Those who rank them as number one should buy their own separate Turkish delight and leave the spare spots in the favourite box to chocolates more deserving of the "favourite" title. 
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